Thursday, August 29, 2013

The Reality of Motherhood

So, I have seen a lot of blogs lately about how to live the perfect life. How to make adorable lunches for your children every day, how to craft beautiful holiday projects, how to make your living room look like it popped right out of a Pottery Barn catalog, how to fit in a workout daily, how to cook simple organic meals for your family...etc. But can we talk real life for a moment? I mean the good, the bad, and the ugly. I suppose it's not entirely impossible for some women to live their lives that way...but for the majority of us, that life just seems like an exhausting, strange parallel universe.

Before I say anything else I will preface this with saying that I would not change a single thing about my crazy life. I love being a mommy more than I have ever loved anything and I love every single thing about my daughter...even if she makes me want to rip every single hair out of my head sometimes. I love her endlessly.

Okay. So I thought that being a stay at home mom would be a piece of cake. I used to think to myself...what were those women complaining about? You can easily clean the house and make dinner while your baby takes a 3 hour nap mid day. And why can't you run any errands with your baby in the stroller as he just peacefully eats his cheerios? And surely you can make time for your friends too...plenty of people want to babysit that little bundle of joy! Well this is my formal apology to all of you. I was so blindingly naive. Now I know the truth. That if your baby naps for 3 hours every afternoon in his own crib, he is a saint angel baby from heaven...because that definitely doesn't happen in this house. Ever. Not even once. And basically forget about running any errands peacefully. A trip to the grocery store involves a whining baby attached to me and if I get through half of my grocery list without a meltdown, then it's a successful trip. Time for friends...what's that? I hardly have time to shower! Seriously. I shower twice a week for about 10 seconds before Makena doesn't want daddy anymore and I need to rush out with only one leg shaved to calm her down. Most days I have spit up all over my dirty tank top. And when I say most days, I mean all days. One day this week I literally didn't have time to even brush my teeth. My poor husband came home to a messy house, no dinner, and a smelly wife. Speaking of dinner...hahahahahahahahahaha. WHO HAS TIME TO COOK!? I made turkey burgers last night and felt super accomplished. Most nights we're lucky to have frozen burritos. I would love to eat organic low-fat meals nightly, but that's just not even on the priority list anymore. Makena gets homemade, organic baby food though...because that is where my priority is now. Who cares if I haven't brushed my hair in a week or eaten a real meal since the last time I was at my mom's house? My baby is clean and well fed and better dressed than I am, and that's what matters!

I have had a baby literally attached to me for nearly 6 months. I mean 24/7. She doesn't ever want to be put down. I have learned to do everything with one hand...which I consider to be quite the talent. We are working on crib naps this week and that's been fun. If fun means that you want to gauge your eyeballs out with rusty spoons. Of course I know that when she finally gets the hang of napping on her own, I will miss her cuddles. It's just another sign that she is growing up already and doesn't need mommy for every little thing. Nobody told me how completely heartbreaking it is to watch your child grow. To think that one day she won't need me to rock her to sleep, or that she won't scream when I walk out of a room, or that tickling her belly won't make all of her problems go actually feels like I can't breathe. As tiring and frustrating as these days can be, I never want them to end. And that is the reality of motherhood. The days are long, but the months and years are too short. I constantly think I am doing everything wrong. It's messy and stressful and perfect. Well, it's MY perfect. My house doesn't look anything like the houses on Pinterest. I rarely feel put together. I don't have time to work out or go dancing with friends. If I'm dressed before 11am, it's a good day. I spend all of our money on my baby, even though I desperately need new clothes. Makena is anything but easy-going. She's bored after 5 minutes of anything. She screams...a lot. Forget about sitting quietly through a meal or movie. She's much too busy for anything nap-related. But I love her and I love her huge personality in her tiny little body. Even if that means sacrificing any social life for a while. I would take this crazy baby over a boring one any day. I know one day she will be a very strong woman and that makes me so proud.

I know that if you don't have children, you are probably reading this thinking that I am a mess. And I understand! I would have thought the same thing. And you know what...I probably AM a mess! But I am just too happy to notice. (Or maybe I'm just too sleep deprived and delirious?) And this is MY reality. :) 

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

6 months old (almost)


You are 6 months old, (well..almost, but who knows when I will have time to sit at a computer again and blog, so close enough!) and I can not believe how fast time is flying by. I was rocking you to sleep last night, just staring at you wondering how you got so big. I'm so sad knowing that you are growing fast, whether I like it or not. But each new stage is more fun and I love you more and more every day...which seems impossible because each day I feel like if I loved you anymore my heart would literally explode.

You have quite a little personality. You like you yell. All the time. Every now and then you use a little gentle voice, which I love, but mostly you like to yell! You like to pull on our faces and laugh. You like to put EVERYTHING in your mouth. Seriously...everything. My hair, Meeko's tail, daddy's nose, any finger that you can grab...anything and everything goes in your mouth. You love to smile at mommy's funny faces, and daddy makes you laugh when he gives your belly raspberries. Your laugh is the cutest thing I have ever heard...I spend all day tickling you and kissing you just so I can hear it! You are trying very hard to sit up by yourself, and can do it for a couple of seconds on your own. But then you get bored and launch yourself backwards, because you're crazy. Although, you sat up for your entire bath last night. I think you just do things when you feel like doing them and don't let anyone tell you what to do. I wonder where you got that from...EEK! You crawled a little bit last week, but you are still figuring it out. I'm almost sure by the end of this week you will be crawling all around the house like a little maniac. I think your fur sister, Meeko, is in big trouble when you can really move. You love her and love to pull her tail. We are still working on the whole "being gentle" thing.

You are finally learning to nap by yourself in the crib. Actually, that's where you are right now. Up until now you have been only napping on mommy. Not daddy or nana or anyone else...only mommy. Honestly, I miss the cuddles already. I picked you up at 3am last night and brought you into bed with me just to get some extra cuddles! But you're learning to be independent, and that is good too. You had your first taste of baby food the other day. We tried avocados first and you didn't like them, so next we tried oatmeal which you liked...but it didn't agree with your tummy. And today I am making you some sweet potatoes! I am planning your first Disneyland trip for October (in about 6 weeks). I bought you the cutest Mickey Mouse jumper. You only like Mickey Mouse, you yell at Minnie when she comes on tv. We do a mommy and me class once a week and you love to look at the other babies. Last week we had to leave early because you were really cranky, but we will try again today when you wake up.

It feels like I'm starting to get the hang of this mommy thing. I can't believe how much you have changed my life over the last 6 months. You have taught me SO much and you have made me a better person. It is funny how someone so little can make such a huge impact. You don't even know how very special you are. I hope that we always have a bond this great. I hope that you always look at me with the same loving eyes and scrunched nose smile that you do right now. I hope you know that when I say I will love you, unconditionally, for the rest of your life...I mean it more than I have ever meant anything.
I love you so much that it hurts, Makena.
I am so lucky that I get to be your mommy forever.