Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Dear my sweet girl...

It has been quite some time since I felt the urge to sit at this computer and share my life, but it dawned on me that I could use this as a time capsule of sorts...
to look back on my life and what I have been through with my husband in the early stages of our marriage and our journey to parenthood.
I haven't read my past entries in months and months. I think I wasn't ready to relive the tragedy that we endured, but today I was. So as I sat here, sobbing of course, I realized how overwhelmingly thankful I am for the experiences that we have gone through. We are different, better, happier people today and I love that my baby girl, Finley, played such a big part in that. I may have never gotten to meet her, but she impacted my life so greatly. She is with me every day. And she is with her baby sister every day!
Yes, baby sister! A lot has changed since the last time we spoke, internet world.
Today, I am 26 weeks 5 days pregnant with a beautiful, HEALTHY baby girl.
(More about her later...lots more!)
We also adopted a very happy, very crazy puppy to be friends with Meeko.
Little Kanga. She is so sweet, but really knows how to test me!
But we love her and she is a part of this crazy family, so we are learning how to roll with the punches...and by punches I mean torn up furniture, shoes, yard, and everything else...
And we bought our first home!
I think that covers all of the bases.
We have been pretty busy over here.
I think it is only right to create some sort of "blog closure" before I jump right into the next chapter. So, now that you're all updated, I thought this would be a good place to write a letter to Finley. I have wanted to do this for a while, but could never find the words or an appropriate outlet for them. Mom, get some tissues.... :)
Finley June,
My sweet girl, where do I even begin?
I wanted you so badly. More than you will ever know. I love you with all of my being. Most people know that there is no love like a mother's for her child, but I don't think many people realize that this applies to children in heaven, too!
I have SO much to thank you for.
Thank you for watching over your baby sister...because I know you are.
I can't wait to tell her all about you...her brave big sister. She gets to have a guardian angel forever, and I bet that she will think that is pretty cool.
Thank you for teaching me lessons that I was too stubborn and selfish to learn before you came along. I am so much happier now. I am a less stressed, more free version of me. I really know now that life is too short to complain all the time! Of course I still have my bad days, but I don't let them get to me now. You gave me the perspective that I didn't even know I was missing, but I so desperately needed.
Thank you for showing me how much my family supports me.
Even if your Papa and Uncle Jake don't know how to show it always, I know that they do.
And your Nana...she is amazing, isn't she? She would go to the ends of the earth for me...I appreciate her so much more now. I see her as a human, not just a mom. I think she really deserves that and I know that she is grateful for you showing me that. I never realized how strong she was, but now I know it must have been so hard for her to see her daughter in so much pain, because the thought of you being in any pain breaks me in two! I hope that you are at peace now that you aren't struggling in a body that just wasn't strong enough for you.
Thank you for showing me what a strong, caring, and wonderful man your Daddy is. I took him for granted at times, and now I know that I couldn't live without him. I know he thought that he needed to be strong for me, but would cry when I wasn't watching. I know he still gets sad about you, but doesn't let me see it. I know that he had big plans to take you to USC football games, try and intimidate your future boyfriends, and someday walk you down the aisle in a white dress. And I know that he was just as crushed as I was when we found out that our dreams for you wouldn't become reality, but he didn't let me see that. He puts my happiness and comfort before his own and I really couldn't ask for anything more. I can't believe I never realized how much he loved me before, but thanks to you I see it now. And I still can't believe that someone loves me that much! We are closer now than ever. He still drives me crazy sometimes...like when he leaves the cheese on the counter, or when he puts his dirty clothes on the floor next to the hamper, or when he forgets 2 out of 3 things that I ask him to help me with...but I LOVE him and I respect him. And I know that he thanks you for allowing me to see him this way, because I am a better wife because of it!
I hope that you know what an amazing soul you are. I am so proud of you. You brought our little family closer together and we are all better because of you. I hope you got your birthday balloons! We celebrated for you, and I know that you were there because I felt content and peaceful...that's how I know when you are with me.
Thank you for changing my life.
I love you forever, sweet girl.