Tuesday, April 3, 2012

It's a New Dawn

Well, I'm sure all of you are caught up on the story by now.
We officially said bye see you again to our baby, Finley, on Friday.
The days before surgery I felt an overwhelming sadness. Sadness isn't really even the appropriate word, but I have no words to describe the feeling. Just completely empty, lost, and scared.
Let's just say that I thought I knew what a mental breakdown was...but I very obviously didn't.
As I was being wheeled into the operating room, I kept reminding myself that I was doing this to save my baby. I rubbed my belly and told Finn, "Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. I'm so sorry, I did everything I could. This won't hurt you, don't be scared. There are people waiting for you in heaven. You will be with Mommy every day, forever. I love you."
That's all I remember.
I imagined waking up from surgery hysterically, but instead I woke up with a great sense of peace. I felt the world finally lifted off of my shoulders. I felt Finn with me and I knew everything would be okay. The hospital was so wonderful and kept me for a few hours until letting me go home. My husband, Mom, and Mother-in-law sat anxiously in the waiting room...and I am so greatful to have had them with me.

I came home from the hospital to dozens of flowers from friends and family.
This experience has really shown me how wonderful the people in my life are.
Again, I am so thankful.
Over the next couple days, the flowers grew and more gifts came.

And just when I thought I couldn't possibly be more humbled, Brian came home last night with a gift from his co-workers.
The sweetest card, with this necklace.

A tiny angel wing.
"May this necklace remind you of sweet Finley, who is now watching over Mommy and Daddy from heaven."
I don't think I will ever take this necklace off. What a perfect reminder that Finn is always with me.
Again, I am just so thankful.

I was very lucky to have an amazing doctor and felt virtually no physical pain through the whole process, and so far I have had a very easy physical recovery.
Emotionally...I'm okay. It's a roller coaster. Sometimes I still cry, but sometimes I can smile and even laugh. Life is moving forward. I'm having a hard time talking with friends, which I think is to be expected.
(So if I haven't responded to your texts or messages, I am sorry...I appreciate all of the kind words and I will respond when I'm ready.)
I'm not sure when I will feel okay being around people again. Right now, I've hit the "pause" button on my life and I'm just letting myself feel how I need to feel. But still, I think I'm doing pretty well considering the circumstances. Yesterday I even went to the grocery store!
These little munchkins have been doing a pretty great job of cheering me up, too!

Brian and I have decided to use the money we had saved for the baby to go to Hawaii, so planning that has been a good distraction. Now I have 7 weeks to lose 5 lbs and get my abs back to be bikini ready again.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my baby bump, and I can't wait to have one again when the time is right. But right now is obviously not that time!
I know, why do I care about my weight at a time like this?
Well, for two reasons.
One being, my weight is about the only thing I can control right now. In a world of uncertainty, it's nice to be able to focus on something that I can change.
Two being, this belly is depressing me. None of my clothes fit and it is a constant reminder that I am not pregnant anymore.
So, operation skinny has begun.

This must happen again. Minus the boobies. Which reminds me, I need new bikinis!

I also ordered a new bedspread and sheets.
Nothing like some internet retail therapy, eh?

I think it freshens things up a bit.
As you can tell, I've been trying to keep some sense of normalcy the past few days. Each day gets a little easier. I know things will never go back to "normal", but hopefully I will be able to create a new "normal".
I was so blessed to be able to hold Finley in me for as long as I did. This has really changed my life and the way I look at things. Things that would have irritated me before, seem so insignificant now. Life is too short!
I am no longer working and I am excited to be able to take this time to focus on myself and get my life back to the happy place that it needs to be.

For now, I will be anxiously waiting for amnio results and hoping for the best news it can bring.
Fingers crossed!

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