Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Saying bye to my baby.

How do you start a blog like this?
Where can I find the words to even begin to describe what is happening?

Looking back on my last post, I feel bad for that naive girl who thought she could save her baby by eating differently. I feel bad for the girl sitting in the waiting room, holding on to that last thread of hope. Little did I know I would leave the doctor's office defeated and heartbroken.
My one job for four months has been to protect this baby, and I failed. Nothing has ever hurt this bad.
I was doing so well yesterday, and then in the middle of the night I lost it. I've been crying since 2am. I can't believe this is happening to me.

While we waited very impatiently for the perinatalogist (high risk obgyn) to come in, I had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Just awful. I knew.
The second the ultrasound began I could tell things weren't right.
The doctor looked closely at the baby's brain before telling us "There doesn't seem to be a cerebellum. This structure here may be it, but it is too misshapen to know for sure. If that is indeed the cerebellum, the chances of this baby making it to term are small, the chances of having a successful delivery are even smaller, and if those things defy the odds and go well, this child will have severe brain problems."

Things just got worse from there.
She could not make out the quadrants of the heart.
There was very little amniotic fluid...which is telling of a pregnancy that will not be successful.
The baby was barely moving, unlike all of the other ultrasounds.
The baby is now measuring 10 days behind, whereas last time it was only 8 days.
"The prognosis isn't good." ...she said as I did everything I could to hold my tears in.
It was too much and when I couldn't hold back anymore, she seemed sympathetic and said "I'm so sorry I have to be the one to tell you all of this."

I chose to continue with the amniocentesis, which hurt like hell.
I want to know what happened to my baby and the options were either amnio, or sending her to a lab after surgery for an autopsy. I think this baby has been through enough, don't you? So, I chose the amnio. It hurt...I wish I could forget how bad it hurt. I cramped all night and now it feels like a big bruise. When I started cramping, I got mad. Why should I have to go through any pain at all? Isn't the emotional pain enough? It's a sick joke.
And of course, it gets worse. My options were to carry to term or terminate. I know this is a controversial topic, and I probably shouldn't admit to the public that I chose the latter. But you cannot judge unless you are in my shoes. I know so many women choose to "leave it in God's hands", but I just can't do that. For me, that would be the selfish choice. My baby would be too fragile for labor and if she made it out of the womb safely, she would struggle for her life for minutes before passing. The small chance that she would have to make it through all of that would mean a horrible quality of life and a lot of surgeries. I say with all of my soul and heart that I would rather suffer for the rest of my life than have my baby suffer for one second. This baby has fought enough. She needs to go home now...even though I am heartbroken that her home will not be in my arms.

I also took into consideration future pregnancies. The safest thing I can do for my body and the healing process is a procedure called a D&E. Dilation and Evacuation. It is a two day process, and it isn't pleasant. I will spare you the details, because they're not easy to listen to.

I had thought I would wait for the results for the amnio before having surgery, but I think I might be having a change of heart. The prognosis is fatal either way. Why torture myself for 2 more weeks? Let my stomach get bigger, feel the baby kick doesn't make sense. I don't think I was thinking clearly yesterday and I don't think I was ready to let go. I don't think I will ever be ready to let go, but the sooner I start the healing process (both mentally and phsyically), the sooner I can learn to cope with this and get back to my normal life. The longer I wait for the procedure, the more risky the complications can be. I will be talking to my doctor today about the best options and how to proceed based on what is best for me and what is best for my baby.

I don't write this blog hoping for pity. Actually, please do not pity me. This is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever had to do and the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but I am still alive and I am still healthy and eventually I will be okay. Bad things happen to people every day and every day people move on and cope. I have a lot of anxiety about surgery, but I trust my doctors and know I am in good hands.

Oh. And here's the funny part. Everyone that has been following my pregnancy knows that I had a very strong feeling that it was a boy. In fact, I said "I would be shocked if it was a girl".
After 3 different ultrasounds by 3 different people confirmed girl, we were told yesterday it could very well be a boy. It appears that our baby "girl" grew something in the last few days. Of course, we will find out definitively from the amnio results. But man, mother's intuition is a crazy thing.

Brian and I thank everyone for the support. Really, I am still amazed by the amount of people who truly care about us and what we are going through.
We will take the next few days to say bye to our baby, but I will update when I can.


  1. Oh sweet girl, I am so so sorry that you are going through this. A very close friend of mine went through something very similar not too long ago - her due date was April 1st. She also chose to terminate, and felt all at the same time brave and weak. You did NOT fail, this is NOT your fault. God bless you and your family while you deal and heal with this terrible tragedy. Blessings your way.

  2. Hi Kodye, I really dont know what to say cause I know saying I'm sorry wont change anything but I truly am. No one should ever have to go through what you and your husband are going through. Your friend is right, you didnt fail anything. I have known you for a long time and you are a beautiful, independent, sweet person. Bad things happen to good people. I love you and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Please let me know if there is anyway I can help, even if its just someone to talk to.

  3. This is very sad news. What a terrible thing to deal with when this should be the happiest time of your lives but you are right, you will be ok and you are making a smart decision for you and your baby. No one knows what they would do in your shoes, you have to go with your intuition.