Thursday, March 22, 2012

Finley June

Well, it's been quite a while since I've updated. Mostly because I wasn't sure what to say. I've thought for a few days about blogging about my pregnancy journey...and originally decided that it was too personal to share to complete strangers, but after much internet research I have decided to share.
I'm mainly hoping that someone, somewhere in the world is going through something similar and can be educated or gain hope while following in on my journey. I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, messages, and e-mails asking how I am doing. I'm not sure how to respond and I know so many of you are interested in what happened, so here we go. I hope this is the beginning of a very long journey...but we will start here with day one.
I found out I was pregnant on December 28, my husband's birthday. It was VERY early...about 3.5 weeks, so we waited until I actually missed my period to tell anyone...just in case. I was unusally worried and anxious from the beginning, just had a weird feeling about all of it, but I chalked it up to being a first time mom. All those hormones get crazy, right? But as much as I tried to be excited about this new baby, I just couldn't let myself. I felt guilty when I wouldn't let myself connect with this baby that I had wanted for so long, but it also let me know that something was wrong.

January 25th I had my first ultrasound. I was 7w5d and baby measured 7w3d...so basically right on track. I know exactly when I ovulated...so this was very important. I thought I could finally let myself relax and enjoy being pregnant. I never got sick, didn't break out, my boobs didn't hurt...I mean literally nothing except that I was exhasuted. I thought to myself "Well, maybe I'm one of those lucky ones!" Ha! Ya...right.


February 11th is when things started getting hard. I was 10w1d pregnant and I noticed blood. I know it is normal to "spot" during pregnancy sometimes, but I flipped out. I went to the emergency room and she was fine...strong heartbeat and all. But then the tech told me she was measuring at 9w3d. She reassured me that everything was fine, and ultrasound machines aren't always exact. I had a follow up appt with my OB that Monday where I was told that I had a mental problem.
"This isn't medical, it's mental." Were her exact words. She told me I should look into therapy and learn some new coping mechanisms.
Well, I immediately switched doctors. I have a few choice words for her...but we will leave those out for now.
Might I just add that the bleeding is still happening today, more than 5 weeks later, and happens daily. That's obviously a mental issue...right?

Anyway, I had an ultrasound scheduled with my new doctor at 12w6d. Baby again measured small at 11w4d. I was told everything was fine but to come back a week later for correct measurements. At 13w6d, baby measured 12w4d. Obviously...something was wrong, but again I was reassured that things were fine.

I sought a third opinion from a well known OB at a different group. Finally...someone listened to me and shared my concerns. He did an ultrasound that day when I was 14w5d, baby measured only 12w4d. I was heartbroken. She wasn't growing. We were given very little hope and I was put on bed rest and told to return for another ultrasound on Monday.

Well, before my next appt came I got a phone call from the previous OB. She informed me that my blood results had come back weeks before (she wasn't going to bother to tell me the results until my next scheduled appt with her...2 weeks later). The results for Trisomy18 were very worrying to her. She told me Trisomy18 is incompatible with life and there was no way the baby would make it. She told me to hope my baby's heart stopped so I wouldn't have to deliver a stillborn or face the decision whether to electively terminate or not.
Let me just repeat...SHE TOLD ME TO HOPE MY BABY'S HEART STOPPED.
I was devasted. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I could barely walk or talk. Nothing made sense...why did no one tell me before? Why was this happening to me? All my friends have happy, healthy babies! WHY ME!? This was awful. I prepared for the worst for my appt on Monday and expected to have to go into surgery in the next few days.
After 3 long, awful days...Monday came. I could barely talk I was so nervous for the ultrasound. Then...there she was. Strong heartbeat, kicking and dancing around. Looking as perfect as ever. The best news of all was that she measured 14w1d! Just 3 days before she had measured 12w4d. She was now only 8 days behind her due date. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know how to feel. You mean there's a chance she will be okay?! It was all so overwhelming, and honestly I was afraid to let myself be happy again.
The OB still had some concerns. Finley's stomach is measuring 2 weeks small, which could mean there is a problem with the placenta. I got scheduled with a high risk Dr. for the next week for an ultrasound and amniocentesis. An amnio will rule out any genetic disorder...but the ultrasound gave NO signs of Trisomy18, or anything else genetic for that matter.
Hm...thanks previous OB for the unneccesary meltdown.

My high risk appt is 5 days away and I can't wait. In the mean time, I am on bed rest, taking iron supplements, taking baby aspirin to thin my blood (to make it flow more quickly through the placenta), eating once an hour every hour, and100g of protein a day...yes, seriously. (And for all of you smart asses, this has NOTHING to do with me being a vegetarian...I would gladly eat meat if it would make my baby okay...but it won't make a difference, I promise). I bought a Doppler so that I could listen to her heartbeat at home to calm myself in between appointments. This morning I found her heartbeat very strong and I could tell she was moving all around. For a baby that wasn't supposed to make it to Monday, she's doing pretty well...don't you think? :)
So...I have been researching like a CRAZY person. I found something called Intrauterine Growth Retardation, which basically just means an otherwise healthy baby that isn't growing as he/she should. IUGR usually starts showing signs in the third trimester. It happens in less than 5% of pregnancies, and even less begin in the first trimester. It is VERY rare, which is why I haven't gotten answers from doctors yet. Most doctors won't ever encounter first trimester IUGR babies, but this is the ONLY thing that matches my story exactly. Of course, I'm not a doctor and it could be something different. But I just know, I dunno, call it maternal instinct! I have read numerous stories that sound exactly like mine...some with bad endings, and some with happy endings. Some healthy babies, some preemie babies, some babies with medical issues, and some babies that don't make it. But the important thing here is that she has a chance.

Just this morning, I got a message from someone with a story very similar to mine...actually, almost exact. She had a healthy, happy baby at 32 weeks pregnant. What a miracle. I am praying that this is what is going on, and nothing genetic...and I will hopefully get answers very soon. But today I have some hope again. This might be okay.
IT HAS TO BE OKAY.

(I am almost 16 weeks now...but we haven't taken any more pictures yet...)
When we named Finley, we had no idea just how meaningful her name would be. It means "small or fair warrior". Today I believe that is just what she is. I've got a little fighter in there! I know this could be the beginning of a very hard road, but I'm prepared for anything now and I won't stop at anything to make sure this baby is okay. All positive thoughts, prayers, and hopes are very welcomed right now!


Brian and I thank everyone SO much for the support and understanding. This is the hardest thing we have every been though, but it's amazing to have such wonderful friends and family around us.
I hope that answers everyone's questions. I will update soon!

4 comments:

  1. Wow.very moving story. Your a very strong women to go threw something like this and still put on a smile. Your a fighter just like finely is.she gets her straight from u.I wish you n ur husband well. Keep ur faith n good things will come

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  2. Kodye, I have not seen you in forever but your story is so touching. I am a child development major in school and I have been learning about all the in's and out's of pregnancy. I know no one could never understand until they actually go through something like this but I can only imagine how tough this is. My heart goes out to your and your husband and I pray for you all the time. I am so impressed with how strong you both are and I hope that if I was ever in a tough place like this I would be able to handle it like you are, because you are truly so strong. I wish you both the best!

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  3. How beautiful that the name you chose is so fitting for your little fighter. Hoping for the best for you and your family! Hope you'll keep updating!

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  4. She's your little fighter!!!!! I'm praying for you guys! I can't even imagine how hard this time is for you... The unknown is so scarey but I know you guys will get through it together!!

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